Prayer.

I think the hardest thing for me to give up was prayer.  I prayed every single day for almost 30 years.  Even as I was coming out,  I was still praying out of habit.  Well, and fear too.  I was so afraid that something horrible was going to happen to someone close to me.  It was hard, but one night I decided to opt out on the prayer thing.  I was off the next day, and not really planning on going anywhere, so in a way it was like a controlled experiment.  The next day, nothing happened.  Nothing.  So, I tried it the next night  and the next and so on and so forth.  I'd say it's been at least four or five months since I've done it.  It's very liberating.

I honestly used to dread it really.  I would never go to sleep without praying.  It was like a chore more than anything.  So, I stopped.  It's kind of scary sometimes, not having that imaginary protection that prayer gives, but all in all everything is ok.  Accidents happen.  Emergencies happen. It doesn't matter how much you pray and ask god for safety, shit's gonna happen.

Another thing that is REALLY hard to stop doing is telling someone who is going through a tough time that I'll pray for them.  Now, don't get me wrong, if someone says it to me, I don't take offense because I know that it's their way of saying, "Hey, I'm thinking about you".  It's just hard to stop saying it to other people, but I'm learning new ways to express my condolences without it.

Plus, I've always wondered exactly how many people actually do pray for someone when they say they will...I know I never did...I'd always forget.  (Sad I know, but hey I'm being honest here).

So I try to say more things like, "I'm keeping you in my heart" or something like that.  It actually means more because I actually mean it, instead of saying I'm going to pray for someone and then don't.

I hope this all made sense, I'm fighting a 13 month old for the keyboard.  Until next time.

Peace and chicken grease.

Rainy days.

Welp, so far I've painted two pictures...and they're both rainbows lol.  I don't know what it is about rainbows, but they're my favoritest things ever besides hearts.  It's the girly girl in me.

Today is a somber day though.  A friend of mine in another state just had her world turned upside down.  I am so worried about her that I could barely sleep last night.  The weather is not making it any better.  Tornado watches/warnings on and off all day.

So here are the pictures of my new creative outlet besides blogging.  I'm no good at it yet, but I still love them because I made them, and they're well...rainbows lol.  Painting these totally put me at peace for the time being,

Oh, and one more thing, shout out to RR for highlighting one of my blogs on their page!!!  Totally made my day :)  Why, if I was any happier, I'd think god did it lolz :)

Peace and chicken grease :)

 This one started out at a paint by numbers, but it had way too many numbers for my a.d.d.  So I painted a rainbow instead.

This one I did on a poster board I had stuffed in a closet.  Not too shabby for a first attempt, but it still relaxed me, and it's still going on the bedroom wall.  Fuggidaboudit.

1. And one of my baby girl just cuz she's being precious today..

Feelin groovy.

I started this blog not even 10 days ago and I can't tell you how much it has helped me already.  Just having an outlet to vent my frustrations has taken so much pain out of my heart and replaced it with hope and a new sense of purpose.  I've even been inspired to spruce up my home a little bit.  Kind of an out with the old and in with the new thing.  Shoot, I even painted a picture.  (I totally said that in a Forrest Gump voice in my head) lol.  I've found that having an outlet for the anger is so crucial when letting go of something that was such a big part of your life for so long.

Trust me, you don't want to end up where I did, with so much hate bottled up inside of me that one day I just completely exploded and broke down.  It wasn't pretty.  That's putting it nicely..

Now, having said all that, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm no Shakespeare or Poe by any means.  However, the things I write about come straight from my head and heart.  I write like I talk.  I encourage all of those who are reading this and are struggling with anger, anxiety, and confusion to channel it into something...anything...whatever you feel in your heart.  Do it.  Don't be embarrassed, don't be afraid to fail, just do it.  It helps more than you will ever know.  Until next time..

Peace and chicken grease.

Different Facets.

Being an Atheist is only one part of me.  Granted, it's been a HUGE part of me for the past year, but I am so much more than that.  I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, sister, and friend.  A common misconception about atheism is that just because we don't believe in god, doesn't mean our life is meaningless.  In fact, my life has more meaning now, because I realize it's the only one I got.  I CHERISH it more.

Being an Atheist mom was something I was worried about at first when I was starting to doubt religion.  How could I be a good mom?  What if I was damning my daughter, my sweet precious baby girl, to an eternity of hell fire?  It was hard at first, and the guilt ate me alive. But now I can see just how stupid that all is.  I can still teach my daughter how to love, and how to give back, and be a great person without god.  Of course, I would never stop her from going to church, if she really wanted to go, because it's her choice to believe what she wants.  So if she wanted to go with her grandma or a friend I would be ok with it.  I mean, do I dread the day I have to tell her about hell, but I plan on being honest with her about why I don't believe it.  It will be hard, but I will try my best to be impartial to either side.  

As far as being a wife goes, I love my husband to death.  He is truly the other part of my brain.  He still has a belief in god, (although he hates religion just as much as  I do), and he never holds it against me or makes me feel bad about my lack of belief.  He completely understands where I come from with all this and in fact, has been my rock since letting go.  

One of my best friends told me the other day that she was proud of me.  She said that when I do something, I never do it half ass.  Which is true.  Go big or go home.  When I let go of my belief, I felt I had to shout it from the roof tops.  I also felt I had to argue with believers, (which was actually an awesome stress reliever, but not a good way to make friends lol).  This chick is also a nonbeliever like me, and it's so awesome to have someone that you can confide in when it comes to letting go.  I think that for a long time that was what I was missing, a community of some sort to voice my frustrations and for a long time I had none.  So the anger just kept building up and building up until one day shit hit the fan and I about lost it.  While I won't say I hit rock bottom, my toes were definitely grazing the surface.  From that point on though, I've slowly crawled my way out of that darkness.  Life has meaning again.  

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.  <-- Have truer words ever been spoken??

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On a lighter note, I made an awesome meatloaf for supper tonight.  My secret?  Left over cornbread instead of bread crumbs.  It makes all the difference.  As a Southern woman, I always have a "pone of cornbread" in the house.  

Cooking is one of the stress relievers for me.  I like getting lost in it and creating new dishes.  I think everyone needs some sort of way to channel out their feelings.  

I hope this post made sense, it's way past my bed time and I can't find my glasses lol.  Until next time..

Peace and chicken grease..

                                             

1.                                                    My husband and I this past Christmas.

1. Our baby girl, (and yes she's eating collard greens like any true Southern woman :)

Feeling almost back to normal.

Today was such a good day and I totally needed it.  I relaxed with Miss Fussypants all day and now she's off to Mamaw Cookies and for the first time in a long time, the house is peaceful.

Since I've met more people like me, the anger is pretty much gone.  Everyday I wake up with a new sense of hope and responsibility.  It's been way to long since I've felt like that.  I'm so ready for the changes that are coming up in my life I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve.  Just waiting, waiting, almost there, just a little while longer.

I've been exploring more into spirituality.  One belief that I just could not give up was that we all have a soul/energy force that stays with us.  While I don't believe the bible's interpretation of souls, I do believe that I have one and it's begging to be fed.  But with what?  Mediation?  I would love to, but I can't get myself to relax enough for it.  I've tried.  I'm not sure yet as to what I'm looking for, but I know I'm looking for something.

I've become good friends with someone here recently that literally could be an older sister for me.  She's got a lot of Native American in her and she is a dreamer.  Another good friend of mine can sense when something is wrong with someone she's close to.  (and she even proved that with me the other night when I called her frightened about something.  I tried to play it cool but she saw right through it).

Plus all of the people I've added from RR on Facebook.  It may not seem like much to some, but to see that there ARE people in my situation all over the world has given me so much hope.  It's really started to turn my life around.  I'm almost...what's that word?  Happy?  Huh?  Who woulda thunk it?

Another personal heroine of mine.  I read an article the other day that wanted to know where all the millineal feminists were.  Well, I'm right here.  I still speak my mind, and I will never be silenced, (least of all by some MAN), but thanks to the feminists before me, I don't have to fight as hard as they did.  Now, don't get me wrong, if things start going back to how they use to be, I WILL fight tooth and nail for my rights (especially over MY body), but the road has been cleared.  I am able to walk freely down it thanks to these brave women.  So, I'm right here waiting.  Waiting for an opportunity to have something to march and protest about.

Le sigh.
Peace and chicken grease.

Good convos

So while at work today I had an excellent conversation with some of my co workers.  Somehow we got on the topic of religion (I was totally not the one who instigated it this time).  Well, a lady who is a practicing Catholic told me that when her daughter was seven years old, she was killed by a drunk driver and if it wasn't for her faith, she would have been a nutcase.  I can totally respect that and I feel that that is some of the good that religion can do.  If you're going through something as traumatic as that, it gives you a little bit of hope.  Granted, it will never take the pain completely away and nothing ever will, but she found comfort in thinking that she will see her little girl again.

Never once did she act like I was evil for not believing, and for a Catholic I say that's pretty open minded.  I told her that I have the upmost respect for her.  And I do.

Oh, and today Knoxville was voted the most Bible friendly city in the U.S.  Can someone please shoot me in the head before guns are outlawed?????

All in all, it was a good day.  I am getting to know more agnostics and atheists and I'm starting to build a community.  I think that's what I need more than anything right now.

Peace and chicken grease.

Horrible by day. Awesome by night.

After a long day at work I come home to my baby girl being cute as can be and my sweet husband made me a lamb roast, mac and cheese, and some collard greens.  Ahhhh.  It was such a great way to end a horrible day.  I have an awesome little family.  We don't have much, but the love that we have for each other trumps all.

Tomorrow is another busy day, I'm finally taking Sadie to get her flu shot.  After spending last week in the hospital with her I'm not looking forward to doing that ever again.  I've always heard people say that seeing your baby in pain is the worst feeling in the world.  I never fully understood it until I had to see her get hooked up to an IV twice.  Seeing her so pitiful in hospital broke my heart into a million pieces.

There was one good thing that came out of it though.  She finally got used to sleeping by herself.  (Yay no more co sleeping)!  Granted, I kind of miss cuddling up with her.  I mean, there is absolutely NOTHING sweeter than cuddling with your baby.  But it's been over a year since my husband and I have slept for more than two days at a time with each other.

Now I'm getting off here to spend a little bit more quality time with the family.  Until tomorrow...

Being Atheist and Southern

Yes, I'm an atheist.  Yes, I am also a Southern woman.  The two actually go quite nicely together.  I will still bless your heart, but it has no religious meaning behind it.  It's my way of saying "I'm sorry for your situation, however horrible or funny it is".  

There's a lot of misconceptions about Atheists, and there's a lot of misconceptions about Southerners.  To be both is almost mind boggling.  Living in the South, people automatically assume you're Christian.  They talk openly about god's graces and when you do happen to mention you're a non believer, you're automatically grouped in the same category as a devil worshiper.  Or baby eater.  Same difference in their eyes.

Northerners are no different, despite how much they like to think so.  When they hear my southern twang, and I'm telling them how I don't believe in "gawd", they get confused because they assume that The South and god go hand in hand.  It's crazy, but I seem to defy many stereotypes all at one time.  I guess it's my way of time management????????

Anyways, I started this blog in the hopes that I may reach others who are going through the same thing I am, with letting go of my faith.  I've lost a lot of people due to it, but I'm not letting that hold me back like it has in the past.  

                                       ~*~One of my biggest inspirations, Jerry Dewitt.  ~*~

Hey look at me bloggin!!

My first blog is actually something I just posted on Facebook and then it hit me.  I should totally blog.  So here it is.....  This one is called, "Looking Up".

After a year of being lost in the dark, I'm finally able to start putting everything behind me.  I never realized that it would be so hard to lose religion, but I finally got over the anger hump.  I'm so thankful for finding a community that has helped me through it.  If it wasn't for people like Jerry Dewitt and all the good people at Recovering from Religion I don't know what I would do.  I'm at a point now where I can speak openly about atheism without the anger and guilt consuming me.  Some people may think I was over reacting, and didn't understand why I couldn't just "get over it".  Well, it doesn't work that way, especially if one grew up in a religion like Pentecostalism.  I had to get over the guilt and fear of hell, along with letting go of all the shame that branch of Christianity pushes on people.  I never realized how damaging it was until I started letting go of it.  

Once I started doing my research, I stumbled upon a man named Jerry Dewitt who is an ex Pentecostal preacher who went through the same thing I am going through when he opened up about his doubts.  He and others like him have been such an inspiration to me.  Through them I have finally found an online community of people who are going through the same thing I am.  I don't feel alone anymore, and I finally have people who understand that despite my lack of belief, I'm not a bad person, the devil doesn't have a hold on me, I am still the same person I was before, I just had to let go of a certain part of me.  It's almost like a part of me died and I had to find a way to release myself from the dead weight - so to speak.  I know I torture people on here with my angry atheist memes, and yes, I do go overboard sometimes, but it was a way for me to release my rage.  When you start seeing the holes in everything you were taught to be truth, and when you start looking at life from a different perspective, it can be terrifying.  And trust me, it was.  And kinda still is.

I've had to learn how to live without god.  For some, it's simple.  For me, it was extremely hard.  But I'm doing it.  It took over a year to get over the first hump, but I did it.  The anger is fading away.  The shame is still there, along side the guilt, but I'm working on that too.  My new years resolution is to show people that although I don't believe in god, I can still be a moral person.  So, I guess that's step two.  Show the world that although I don't have god in my life, I can still have a purpose.  I can still raise a child properly.  Now more than ever I realize how much I need to give back to the community.  Before I had the excuse that even though I didn't give back, god would still love me.  Now that I let go of god, I see that I alone am responsible for the trail I leave behind me.  It's made me want to be a better person.  Some people find that in religion, I had to leave god to find it.  

I've finally accepted the fact that some people are just not going to understand where I'm coming from.  A life without religion is something they will never understand, and I have a feeling I'm going to be whispered about in certain circles for the rest of my life.  That's fine.  By all means do.  Please talk about how the devil has a hold of me and how evil I am and all that good stuff.  You won't be saying anything about me that I haven't thought about myself a million times.  If you no longer wish to associate with me, that's fine too.  One of the things RR has shown me is that people will leave you when you denounce god, but it's ok.  Life will go on and I'm planning on living the one life I have to the fullest since I have just this one shot and that's it.  

So thanks for taking the time to read, and feel free to comment if you want.  I encourage feedback, but beware, if you want to damn me to hell and go on a christian tirade, I will not be nice in my replies.  That's putting it as nicely as possible.  Other than that, have at it.  Love you all