Reassurance.

Living in the bible belt as an atheist can sometimes feel lonely.  You're often misunderstood and it's difficult to express your true self sometimes in fear of retribution.  However, this weekend I made some contact with people who think along the same lines I do, and it felt pretty good.  It was a way to reaffirm that it's not me against the world, life can feel that way sometimes down here as a non believer.

It's getting  better and better, life is definitely on the up and up.   I got some painting done today and I've been pretty consistent with keeping the house organized.  Keeping things tidy gives positive energy the room to move through the house.  I've also been putting forth a better effort of maintaining my appearance, shoot, I even painted my finger nails.  (Granted they're black, but let's not focus on the details).

Oh and one more thing.  The Atheist Movement is growing down here.  I saw several examples this weekend.  It's such a wonderful feeling.

Peace and chicken grease.

                                             Sadie enjoying her first bowl of yogurt.

 Still practicing depth, movement and brush strokes.  This one started out as a symbol of my soul awakening and peering up at the world.  Then yes, it turned into a rainbow...  (sigh).

I decided to paint Bob a picture this Valentines Day instead of getting him a card.  I messed up a little but still proud of it.

Breaking down those damn walls.

It's been a while since I've blogged.  Life got away from me for a second, but I've had a lot on my mind.  I've been researching spirituality a little bit more.  I've actually meditated a few times, and I'm trying to open my chakras.  The one I need open more than anything is my heart chakra.  It's time for me to start breaking down my walls and let all my loved ones in again.

First and foremost I have got to call Crystal.  It's been so long since I've talked to her it's embarrassing.  I miss our talks and no one, I mean no one, understands me like she does.  She is truly a kindred spirit to me.  I've been an awful friend to her.  I miss her so much though, but when I was going through my depression I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I kept everyone away from me, including the one person in the world who I know would never have judged me and would have understood completely what I'm going through.  I guess in a way I've been stalling because I just don't know what to say, except I'm sorry.

There's others on my list to contact, and I'm kind of nervous about it.  I guess it's the fear of the same rejection I gave them.  I am truly trying to change and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.  When you step back and see the error of your ways, it's very humbling.  When I see all the people I've pushed away, it hurts more than anything.  I feel guilt and shame.  I'm tired of being depressed.  I'm ready to get back to the old me.  Until next time,

Peace and chicken grease.

Crosses. The fashion accessory that keeps getting resurrected.

I work for a local jewelry store in town and it never fails, the women who buy crosses are always the snottiest, rudest people to me.  One would think that they would be the most humble, considering they're buying an image of their precious savior's murder but nooooo.

What is it about wearing crosses anyway?  Even when I was a christian the image of the cross always bothered me for multiple reasons.  1.  It's a symbol of murder.  Let's say if someone I love was murdered by a butcher knife while protecting me (i.e. sacrificing themselves for me) the LAST thing I would do is wear a replica of said butcher knife around my neck in remembrance   2.  People use them as just another piece of jewelry.  They don't care about the significance behind it, however morbid it may be.  Maybe it wouldn't get on my nerves as much if they actually tried to be Christ-like while wearing one, but oh no.  That just doesn't happen.  Nope.  It's always the uppity housewives or even worse, the horny drugged out teenagers that want them.

It's like they just want to play the part of a Christian without having to do any of the real work that goes along with it.  It's a way to make them feel good about themselves without having to do any good.

Living in the Bible Belt, you hardly ever see Star of David pendants.  So of course we get to hear about this from the Jewish ladies.  It's discrimination blah blah blah.  You know what?  You are absolutely right, that's why I feel that we shouldn't sell either of them.  No religious jewelry AT ALL.  None.  Nada.  Now, go volunteer at a hospital like Jesus would do YAH FREAK!!

On a lighter note, I had an awesome girl's night last night.  Granted, all we did was drink and do laundry but hey, we're moms right?  What, are we going to go out clubbing or something?  Psssh.  Ain't nobody got time for that!!!  Until next time,

Peace and chicken grease.

Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I still ain't go it!  I can sin with the best of them, in fact, I perfected the art!!

Prayer.

I think the hardest thing for me to give up was prayer.  I prayed every single day for almost 30 years.  Even as I was coming out,  I was still praying out of habit.  Well, and fear too.  I was so afraid that something horrible was going to happen to someone close to me.  It was hard, but one night I decided to opt out on the prayer thing.  I was off the next day, and not really planning on going anywhere, so in a way it was like a controlled experiment.  The next day, nothing happened.  Nothing.  So, I tried it the next night  and the next and so on and so forth.  I'd say it's been at least four or five months since I've done it.  It's very liberating.

I honestly used to dread it really.  I would never go to sleep without praying.  It was like a chore more than anything.  So, I stopped.  It's kind of scary sometimes, not having that imaginary protection that prayer gives, but all in all everything is ok.  Accidents happen.  Emergencies happen. It doesn't matter how much you pray and ask god for safety, shit's gonna happen.

Another thing that is REALLY hard to stop doing is telling someone who is going through a tough time that I'll pray for them.  Now, don't get me wrong, if someone says it to me, I don't take offense because I know that it's their way of saying, "Hey, I'm thinking about you".  It's just hard to stop saying it to other people, but I'm learning new ways to express my condolences without it.

Plus, I've always wondered exactly how many people actually do pray for someone when they say they will...I know I never did...I'd always forget.  (Sad I know, but hey I'm being honest here).

So I try to say more things like, "I'm keeping you in my heart" or something like that.  It actually means more because I actually mean it, instead of saying I'm going to pray for someone and then don't.

I hope this all made sense, I'm fighting a 13 month old for the keyboard.  Until next time.

Peace and chicken grease.

Rainy days.

Welp, so far I've painted two pictures...and they're both rainbows lol.  I don't know what it is about rainbows, but they're my favoritest things ever besides hearts.  It's the girly girl in me.

Today is a somber day though.  A friend of mine in another state just had her world turned upside down.  I am so worried about her that I could barely sleep last night.  The weather is not making it any better.  Tornado watches/warnings on and off all day.

So here are the pictures of my new creative outlet besides blogging.  I'm no good at it yet, but I still love them because I made them, and they're well...rainbows lol.  Painting these totally put me at peace for the time being,

Oh, and one more thing, shout out to RR for highlighting one of my blogs on their page!!!  Totally made my day :)  Why, if I was any happier, I'd think god did it lolz :)

Peace and chicken grease :)

 This one started out at a paint by numbers, but it had way too many numbers for my a.d.d.  So I painted a rainbow instead.

This one I did on a poster board I had stuffed in a closet.  Not too shabby for a first attempt, but it still relaxed me, and it's still going on the bedroom wall.  Fuggidaboudit.

1. And one of my baby girl just cuz she's being precious today..

Feelin groovy.

I started this blog not even 10 days ago and I can't tell you how much it has helped me already.  Just having an outlet to vent my frustrations has taken so much pain out of my heart and replaced it with hope and a new sense of purpose.  I've even been inspired to spruce up my home a little bit.  Kind of an out with the old and in with the new thing.  Shoot, I even painted a picture.  (I totally said that in a Forrest Gump voice in my head) lol.  I've found that having an outlet for the anger is so crucial when letting go of something that was such a big part of your life for so long.

Trust me, you don't want to end up where I did, with so much hate bottled up inside of me that one day I just completely exploded and broke down.  It wasn't pretty.  That's putting it nicely..

Now, having said all that, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm no Shakespeare or Poe by any means.  However, the things I write about come straight from my head and heart.  I write like I talk.  I encourage all of those who are reading this and are struggling with anger, anxiety, and confusion to channel it into something...anything...whatever you feel in your heart.  Do it.  Don't be embarrassed, don't be afraid to fail, just do it.  It helps more than you will ever know.  Until next time..

Peace and chicken grease.